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When I was like 2 years old

When I was like 2 years old (I have memories from that age), I was always a very mean kid to others, like I was really a kid that liked to be "the boss", but whenever I was around family I immediately became shy and I would be the one that would get bossed around by the other kids in my family. When I became 4, I first went to school and I kind of immediately became "that shy girl". And I really was shy, I guess. I used to care alot about what other people thought of me. I didn't really like playing with kids I didn't know, only with my small group of friends that I knew better.

Whenever I went to a kids party I never really said much, I kind of just sat in the corner chair or just listened to what the other kids had to say. I never really, réálly liked other kids but my best friend (she's still my best friend), I just played with some other kids because that was 'normal' I guess but I never saw them as people I really liked.

Now I'm 17 and I really don't feel the need to make friends. Like it seems like so much effort has to be put into making friends and just thinking about it makes me tired. It's not like I don't have any friends, really everyone in my class could be seen as a friend because I don't really have any 'enemies' if I could call it that. Becoming angry and arguments just look like a waste of energy, So I don't really become angry or anything like that, I'm always happy. I'm always described as a shy funny girl. I do have like a group of friends but I wouldn't really mind it if we stopped being friends. I would only care if my childhood friend didn't like me anymore.

I totally could care less if I have any friends or not. I don't like going outside or being around alot of people because it just makes me so tired to listen to what they have to say because I don't réálly care. I could listen to them or make jokes and laugh, but I dont réálly care because it's just such a hassle. My mom (dad lives in different country) always tells me I need to go outside more often, and that whenever she looks at me shé gets tired because I'm always in my room either on my laptop, drawing, gaming, doing homework, or just lying awake in bed. I'm the same when I'm around my crush.

Whenever I'm around my crush, I really want to see him, but when he gets too close (like within arm length) I just want to run away and hide. I want him to look at me but at the same time I don't. He knows that I like him, and he also knows that I know that he knows, and all his friends know too, but I don't really care about that because it would just cost me too much energy. I hate my crush but at the same time I don't. I really think there is something wrong with me. I just don't really care about anything at all. I just want to stay home and be in my room all day. I don't even think my group of friends see me as a real friend because sometimes they look at me like I'm an alien and I know some of them talk about me behind my back. I find it a hassle to care at all even when it's supposed to be something "important".

Really, other than my family, my crush, my childhood friend and my dogs, I don't really care about anyone or anything. Is this bad? What's wrong with me? Whenever my friends ask me to go out with them I just say I'm busy as an excuse because just thinking of going out and being around so many people and having to do so many things to 'please' them and to make sure they're having fun and having to make jokes makes me tired. Whenever my mom asks me to go out shopping with her I just say I feel sick, because having to be around all those people when I'm outside and seeing their faces makes me want to go home.

The weirder thing is that I wouldn't want to go out with my friends to a party or club or something, but camping with them or going to a different country on vacation with them would seem so much fun to me. Like that doesn't make any sense right??? My friends probably think it's because i'm 'shy' that I don't like to go to parties, but it's really because I don't care for the people at the parties and just being around so many people makes me look forward to the moment I can go home. And at home I just do what I said earlier in this text. And when I'm awake in bed I just think of some fantasy land.. I know it's weird right? I've even drawn the people of that fantasy land, all my notebooks are full of drawings of them. I don't feel like I fit in with my friends and I don't even really care about THAT either. I don't know why I'm like this. Like I do want friends but at the same time I don't because I'll actually have to do stuff with them. Does anyone know what's wrong with me? :S
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Ditulis oleh: dika - Sunday, September 8, 2013

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